ARE WE MEANT TO BE?

How many times have you spent your time for dating somebody that finally leads you to an end? How many times have you done a perfect first date that leads you to a goodbye? How many times in your life, you try so hard to keep a relationship, but finally there’s nothing you can do but walk out? How many times have you tried, succeeded, and failed for a finding the ONE? I always believe that somebody must be meant to be with somebody. They must love each other, and take care one another. At least that’s what I learned from those Disney Princess’ movies (yea rite’). No, that’s what I learn from life, that we do need love as our way home, as a right place to rest your head, your heart, your soul. So every time I see somebody, my question will be: “Are we meant to be?” (with that look and two hands folded upon my chest). No, I never say it directly to the person, or even say it out loud. That question is only for me, myself, and my mind. That question now seems so tough for me, since I’ve asked it like for…thousand times. “Are we meant to be?” then finally he leaves without explanation. “Are we meant to be?” then I found him falling for another girl. “Are we meant to be?” but we didn’t get along so well. “Are we meant to be?” then after few tiring years we had to say goodbye. “Are we meant to be?” and directly he said we’re just friends. “Are we meant to be?” and his attitude drove me crazy. “Are we meant to be?” then he had to go abroad for the study. “Are we meant to be?” then his dog bites my shoes. “Are we meant to be?” then I found him interesting to another man. (Man!) “Are we meant to be?” and right away I turned off by his laugh. “Are we meant to be?” then we realized we spoke different language, eat different meal, and come from totally DIFFERENT world. “Are we meant to be?” then suddenly I wasn’t the one he’s been looking for. “Are we meant to be?” and so on and so on and so on…. Are we meant to be? Or are we not? That’s the only thing that I wanna know when I start my relationship with somebody. That’s the only thing I’d like to know when I start to get to know an interesting person, because somehow I’m tired of trying and failing. I’m tired of those spectacular dates, and finally find that he’s not the one. I’m tired with all the effort I’ve made, for only ended up being his best friend. And in this desperate times, I go to bed with a new question in my head: “Am I meant to be with somebody( somewhere, in this world)? Or Am I not?” and thinking about those wasted times with the unright one. Then I came to a conclusion: “I’ve been searching for the right one everywhere, I’m exhausted. Where is he?” (Is he somewhere back in the past? Is he somewhere a long my way to the office? Is he right beside me now? Or is he somebody that hasn’t come yet?) *any idea where is he? Have you ever thought about this too? Or it’s just me, myself, and my silly question?

Saturday Night With Jakarta

One of the advantages living in Jakarta city is : you don’t need a boyfriend to have a date on Saturday night. You can do everything all alone with your own way. You can have your own fine dinner, catch a movie, or even take a look on some new magazine on a book store. You also can call up a random friend (or a best friend will make it good), and make a spontaneous plan. Midnight shopping is one of good ways how to spend your fabulous Saturday night. All you have to prepare are Money, cell phone, a high comfortable yet fashionable clothes, and for sure a pair of good shoes (since it will take you to good places too). Money: it’s the core of your Saturday night’s activity. With cash (please say no to credit cards), you can have variety of activities. For example, first you go for dinner, then you shop and stop for some shot, and continuing your shop (or even just window shop) till you get drop ( I know this rhyme seems so disgusting). Karaoke also seems so okay for your activity. Listening to live music in one fine lounge, window shopping, or a silent coffee time with book, are filling my Saturday nights puurfeectttly. Cell phone is one of the important things. It will help you to check who’s available that night, to call up some random friends, and to call a cab when you seem so impossible to walk along the road and stop one (for some reason: you might be get drunk, get too full with your meal, or you might lose your energy to lift your new things from the boutique). A high comfortable yet fashionable clothes will help you to feel better in two ways. First it will go up with you as you walk on the road, as you dance with your own rhyme, as you try on new clothes in a fitting room, and as you have a grand dinner, it will hide your sudden big belly (and make you look skinny). Second, people will never take their eyes off of you since it’s highly in fashion. You will feel so much better since it’s beautiful and painless (for your body). A pair of good shoes will go with you along your beautiful journey on Saturday night. It wont hurt your feet when you run for the 75% discount in the corner boutique. It wont make you slip as you walk slightly passing a cute guy in a lounge. And it will make you look gorgeous when it’s match with your clothes. So, there’s no reason you sit alone at your home and doing nothing but cry/ think hard / watch romantic desperate movies/ eat a bucket of chicken wings and ice cream/ spoil your parents’ night (you pick one of these desperate activities) on Saturday night, just because you don’t have a ‘date’ (boyfriend). With money, cell phone, clothes, shoes, and of course the city, you can have a beautiful date on Saturday night.( See? Boyfriend is not the only way to have a date on Saturday night) . Oo I love this city!

3 Tales Princess

This week, I met my three princess in the Disney’s live show at Istora Senayan. They are Snow White, Cinderella, and Belle from Beauty and The Beast. As I saw them dancing and singing together with the other Disney’s characters, I discovered three philosophies from each fairy tales.

Snow White, who lived with the seven ‘wacky’ dwarfs, was never frown for what she’s got. Her mother wanted to kill her(just because her fair beauty), she stuck up with seven unhandsome little guys, and she had to do all the cleaning and dishing in that dusty tiny house. This is what I call as be thankful. There was nothing in her life seemed to be positive. But Snow White sang all the time and gladly loved the seven wacky man. How bout us? Do we ever be thankful when our life seems to be so down? Why do we protest all the time?

Cinderella’s story is about her dreams and some people who just wanted to ruin it away. Her dream is dancing with the prince charming at the ball. She did everything to go there, including prepare her sisters’ needs and do all her mom’s orders. But her step family gave her a lot of duty just to keep her away from the ball. But somehow, she did. She went to the ball and danced with the Prince Charming. If you can still remember Cinderella’s song: ……No matter what your heart is bleeding if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true…. So that’s all the Cinderella about. Who ever wanted to ruin your dream, just don’t let them. And keep believing in what you believe.

Belle, she has done a great sacrifice for his father. She replaced her father to be punished by the beast. In this fairy tale, I saw a brave woman who can do everything. She didn’t think about herself could be eaten by the beast. I just admire this beautiful young woman who never put herself first in everything. I also admire herself for her passion to books.

So from these three Princess whom I like since I was little, I can learn so many things. I watched their movies when I was four, and couldn’t stop admiring their beauty. And when I grow up, I don’t stop praise these three princess for the philosophies they give.

Never Give Up! (My Laskar Pelangi, the steel and the sword)

After seeing Laskar Pelangi with some friends, we talked about this movie at the restaurant. If those kids in the movie had to get through a long long way to get the school, We had to get through a long long journey just to find out that “They” (he in plural form) are not into us. My gals had been through so many things with men just to find out that these ingenious creatures are taken or simply not into them. We were once so depressed about what do people call as a broken heart. But for us now, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. We delivered the message of a broken heart as a message of moving on. And we simply translate the words ‘moving on’ as an action to get a so much better life. The bleeding hearts are covered up with thick bandages that we call friendship. And the bruise can only be cured with a plate of super banana split. We see ourselves as steel, and those experiences are the steps of making sword. A steel has to be hit, punched, to be thrown to the fire, until it gets a perfect shapes and sharp enough to cut all things. Same with us. We need to pass the hard things to be stronger. But what if the steel is taken when the process is being done? The steel wont ever be a sword. Never! The conclusion is, we just can’t give up in our hard days. Because somehow, hard days lead us to the brighter ones. The hits, punches, and the bruise form us into a beautiful shape. So the broken heart, the tears, could transform us into a strong beautiful woman, as long as we don’t give up in our hard days. If the kids in the movie didn’t give up to get themselves education, we shouldn’t give up either to educate ourselves in domain of love and life. Whatever your problems now, either your boyfriend left you, your boss fired you, or your perfect man suddenly disappeared, just Never Give Up!

Are Men SUPER HERO? (Hit and Go Attitude)

I bet we know all about Super Hero. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Hulk, Wolverine, The Flash, Wonder Woman, etc. We might be dreaming about being one of them when we were a little. Those dream or imagination help us to get out of our hard days. Once when I got bully by my school bus’ friends, I imagined myself as wonder woman, so I could beat them up. But the fact, my mom told them to stop bothering me (I was kinda shame that time). And after that day, they left me alone.

My friend, always dreamt being a Batman so he can go out at night with the sophisticated metallic black car. Cause all he wanted to do was just go out when his father arrived at home. Well that’s the job of super hero. They help kids ran away a moment from their grey childhood’s reality.

But you know what isn’t good about being a super hero? They just never have a life. Like Superman who went to krypton for several years and left Louis without explanation. Like Batman who just never have a girlfriend, Spiderman who could never made a good report for the newspaper, and Hancock who is not meant to be with the one he loves. Well, they’re all missing in action. They did something good to somebody (read:woman) and disappeared cause of their secret duty.

What I want to say (ask) here is a question, whether all men are superhero? They did something to us, then disappeared. Some of them left us without explanation-after all the things we’ve done- (just like Superman), some of them just never make good reason (like Spiderman), and some of them told us that it’s better to go away (just like Hancock), cause they say they just hurt us.

Have you ever had a moment with a man then suddenly he disappeared? You women would spent most of your times thinking what’s wrong with you, what made him go away, and you’d try really hard to understand his mind and his way of thinking. (Some of the case, the man would come back after missing in action, called you as nothing happened, and the called usually be done at night. )

Men, they say they come from Mars and we, women, come from Venus. That’s why people say that men and women just never get in one same point of view, especially in love. But could somebody explain me what’s happened with this ‘hit and go’ attitude? Why men pretend like they can’t have a life? (like they have so many business outhere that we can’t understand). Do men think they’re superhero?

So who are you guys, are you Superhero? You love us but the duty call always come first.. or you are just a superhero who help us women ran away a moment from our bad reality.. Or you just bad people, a thief, who are irresponsable? Give us explanation instead of run away...

(inspired by and dedicated to all women and their super nero, ups, super hero)

Fall in Love?

I woke up this morning with a hurt on my head. I fell from my bed. When I told my mom about this: “Mom, I was falling” she replied: ”falling in love?” as she folded the newspaper in her hand. “Never mind.” I said.

Today I spent some few times looking for the definition of falling. The definition of falling is coming down freely under the influence of gravity (http://www.wordnet.princeton.edu/). Other person says that falling is a movement due to gravity. Isaac Newton taught us so. I believe that it’s the gravitation that makes me fell from my bed, but who makes me fall in love? is it the person? Or the gravitation? That stupid question popped in my head. I googled the word gravity, and look what I found: the force of attraction between all masses in the universe; especially the attraction of the earth's mass for bodies near its surface . Gravitation is a natural phenomenon by which all objects with mass attract each other, and is one of the fundamental forces of physics.

So fall in love, does gravitation make us fall in love? I don’t know if the rule of gravity is exist in our hearts. But the rule of attraction speaks loud in domain of fall in love. We use to be attracted first, before we fall in love. From what I’ve got, and from what I’ve thought, I assume that everyone has their own gravitation that makes another’s heart falls. Some people has the gravitation on their looks, some on their brain, some on their body, some on their cash, some on their reputation, some on their things, and some on their heart. If fall in love connects with these kind of gravitation, so which one attracts you the best?

The gravitation on looks attracts me the most, but sometimes it lets me down.
The gravitation on heart attracts me the best, it never let me down. Too bad, it doesn’t come easily…

WHY Do We Need Some Bad Situations

It’s started when your life is getting down, and your weight is getting up. I need myself to have some arguments why do I have to live just the way I want it to be. It’s easy to answer since everybody also wants to have a perfect life. Just imagine what could you ask more when you’re alive, have a boyfriend, and work in a excellent company with the dream position. It’s like everything so perfect, so well planned. But it doesn’t happen to me anyway.

Well, I just graduated from university, and all I’m asking is working as a writer. For your information I am jobless, loveless and unstable. I stay at home everyday, hang out with friends on week end and working as a part time teacher in a course centre three hours a week. Basicly, you can see why I said on the first line that my life is getting down and my weight is getting up.

I am looking for a job as a writer, and too bad they always want a person with plenty of experiences while all I can offer is just a stupid idea. They don’t like my words, my line. I think I can get it why the position is not coming to me. I am not that able to speak up more, to find better words, better idea or a better analogy than everyone else in the test room. I am not able to write the way they want me to.

I spent few hours today thinking about why I have to live a life just the way that I don’t want it to be. Why I have to work not as a writer and be happy with it. Why I have to live without a boyfriend and be fine with it, and why I have to get through the rain, the storm, the quake, and be able to stand still. Why can’t I give up.

As I remind my sleep over time with my eighteen years old cousin yesterday, I recall the way she acts and talks about her current life. I remember how afraid she was for being late for a freahmeats gathering at university (which somehow you call it stupid when you’re already in fourth smester), how naïve her vision about love she’s just had with her boyfriend, and how she hasn’t realized that sex is different with love. I’d like to tell her that so many bad people outhere with bad things in their hands that she hasn’t found and known yet. There are also as well so many useless activities outhere that she hasn’t recognized yet. I’d like to tell her everything, but I think I wouldn’t. I let her know it by herself, I let her get through what I’d been through. I can not skip her lesson and tell her what to do so she wouldn’t fall for same mistakes that I made. Cause she won’t get anything if she’s not hurt, if she’s always right, if she knows what she’s gonna face. Somehow I just shuted my mouth and listened to her, while my heart was saying “she says that cause that’s all she’s learned so far”.

Since experiences influence your ability to act and to speak, I realize why do I have to live just the way I don’t want it to be. Why do I have to have some bad times in my life. The more trouble you get, the more things come out from your mouth. (More books you read, more words are in your mind.) More storm, more rain, more quake you’ve been through, more story could come out from your mouth. So now, I need those bad times, I need those unstable moments to be able to speak up, to make my story. And if I have to work not as a writer right now (or for several times in the future), it’s a time to learn, so I can speak more later either in my column or in my article.

So how bout you, how do you see the bad times in your life...?

Deal with a 'Heartbreaker

Have you ever had a heartbreaker? I bet everybody has. And how do you deal with them? Do you leave them? Or revenge them? But what if the heartbreaker is your best friend? What are you gonna do? Will you leave them? Or still make a friend with them? The biggest broken heart’s moment in my life was made by my best friend. That time, I was having my biggest fear, that was: if my best friend has a girlfriend. Then it happened. That’s how he broke my heart. I left him with a hope that I would find a new life. But things were not so much better. I couldn’t keep myself thinking about him when I was down. I lost my best friend, but I didn’t lose the feeling. That time I realized that I was running away. I was running away from my biggest fear, from my phobia. From what I’ve known, we can cure our phobia by doing what we call as ‘little by little’. So, I decided that I want to cure mine. I decided to face my biggest fear instead of run away. And I hope by facing it, it will soon fade away. So I woke up in the morning and decided to make a friend with my forever heartbreaker: yes, my best friend. I called him and we started our new relationship. Yes, a friendly relation. I talked to him about the feelings I had for him, and he explained me about what was going on back days. It felt releave. Point one, accomplished. Talked about what’s in your heart for good. I felt no ashamed to tell him all the stupid things I did when I was in my deep depression. Well, he knew my version and that’s how we built our new relation. But what’s next? How could I know if my phobia has cured or not? Well, he has no girlfriend right now, but I’m hoping soon he will. I’d like to check my phobia, but what if it hasn’t cured yet? I started to ask him out just to meet or catch some movies. We did, but everytime we met, it took me two hours for feeling mello and think about what was going on. I replayed the scenes, and I found I’m still a lil bit in love with him. I don’t know what this thing people call love, but I gave my heart once to this person (he didn’t ask, I just gave it away) and it’s still in his hand. I think I’m on my way to get it back. I’m just not sure whether I’d taken it back, or I’m taking it back, but I have faith that I will take it back. Two hours mello is just seen as a progress for me. If it had taken me forever to get over this person, then now it just needs two hours. And plus, I don’t need to get over this lovely person, I just need to accept the situation, and deal with it. How do I deal with it? By facing it and living with it. So dear best friend, whenever you like to have a girlfriend or a wife maybe, I won’t go anywhere. I’m just gonna be there, and face it. And I think that’s how I will say goodbye to my phobia. =)

20-an

Tidak ada yang spesial tentang saya hari ini. Semua orang punya kesibukannya masing-masing. Harusnya saya juga, tapi saya lebih memilih untuk tidak sibuk dan bersantai. Saya ingin memanjakan diri, tapi sayangnya konsep manja saya kali ini berhubungan dengan eksistensi orang lain, dan sekali lagi saya katakan: ”semua orang sedang punya kesibukan masing-masing sekarang.” Intinya, kemauan saya untuk bermanja-manja ria tidak bisa terlaksana. Tambah lagi, saya merasa saya berjalan melawan arus. Ketika semua orang sedang sibuk, punya hal-hal lain untuk dikerjakan, saya malah mual dengan segala macam pekerjaan. Saya merasa ingin berhenti dan menikmati hidup, padahal pekerjaan adalah hidup saya selama ini. Konon, ada di umur 20an bukanlah hal yang mudah. Saya gunakan kata ”konon” karena itu bukanlah line ataupun teori saya. Saya cuma orang yang kena dampak dari teori itu dan pada akhirnya mengutip pernyataan tersebut untuk menjelaskan keadaan diri. Ketika saya merasa tidak lebih beruntung dari orang lain dan merasa eksistensi diri menyusut dengan ketidakhadiran beberapa unsur dalam keseharian saya. Saya seperti melayang dan pura-pura tidak tahu apa yang saya inginkan. Seperti biasa, perkataan para wanita pada teman dekatnya yang wanita pula: “gue gak tahu apa yang gue mau sebenernya.” Dengan gaya bicara yang dibuat sedikit bingung tapi terdengar kuat dan tidak sedang depresi. Masak, orang tidak tahu apa yang mereka mau? Sejak kapan manusia tidak bisa mendengar suara hati mereka yang berteriak-berteriak begitu banyak? Manusia selalu punya keinginan. Meskipun keinginan mereka terkadang begitu banyak dan seringkali bertentangan, tapi setidaknya mereka pasti tahu (at least) satu hal yang mereka inginkan. Sebagai wanita yang dalam 365hari x 2 menjadi seperempat abad, saya memiliki keinginan untuk bercinta. Bercinta bukan dalam arti hubungan fisik yang mendalam serta super extravaganza bersama seorang lawan jenis (ya, itu juga sih..), tapi bercinta dalam arti memiliki pasangan jiwa, itu yang lebih penting. Kembaran rasa mungkin kata yang lebih tepat, kalau pasangan jiwa terasa cukup berat untuk dikatakan diumur saya yang sekarang ini (setidaknya cukup berat bagi saya yang sulit berkomitmen tingkat tinggi dalam hal berhubungan). Kembaran rasa, ketika kita merasa bahwa selalu ada seseorang yang merasakan hal yang sama dengan apa yang kita rasakan. Mereka mencoba untuk berempati dan perasaan nyaman itu datang. Perasaan diakui bahwa kita juga memiliki perasaan. Perasaan diakui dan dianggap penting eksistensinya untuk dunia ini. Setidaknya untuk seseorang. Hal-hal itulah yang terkadang melengkapi semen pembangun self-esteem seorang wanita. Self-esteem saya dipertanyakan untuk sesaat ini. Keadaan tiba-tiba membuat saya merasa diciutkan eksistensinya terhadap dunia. Itu karena semua kembaran rasa saya mungkin sedang sibuk sekarang. See? Ketika saya ingin bermanja ria, mereka sibuk entah kemana, dan jeleknya terkadang mereka datang secara bersamaan dan membuat saya mati bingung untuk memilih. Sibuk mengurusi urusan mereka masing-masing, membuat saya mempertanyakan eksistensi saya disini. Ya, inilah komplikasi pikiran seorang wanita ditengah umur 20-an. Kembali lagi saya katakan, konon berada di usia 20an tidak mudah, dan lagi-lagi saya hanya seseorang yang terkena dampak darinya dan mengutip kalimat tersebut untuk menjelaskan keadaan diri.

Get A Toy!

Is having a man perfect for a woman’s life?

I used not to think so until I realize all of my friends have one and they get busy with that. I find myself as a loner. For simple thing, they can’t just being there like they did. They can’t talk for some hours on the phone, go for some coffee time, or shopping. Not that bad actually, but we have to set up the times for sure. It’s not just a simple spontaneous lovely thing anymore. Do they lose their spontaneous, or they just do it with other people right now?

Well I was enjoying my single life, and now, I think I’m still enjoying it fifty percent. It’s just somehow I feel I need my friends to enjoy these craziness, and they can’t be there. But why do I have to depend on them? Can’t I enjoying it myself? K, that’s the point, I think I should find myself a boyfriend. Well not exactly, but at least a new toy. “Toy” I mean. Wasn’t it what you did when you’re a little? When you got no friends, alone, you just go and play with your toy. It could be a doll, a skipping rope, or a swing in your backyard. Well this time, I just need a toy. Get no friends around me, I think I’m going to find myself a ‘toy’ whom I can treat like a doll, make me sweat like a jumping rope, and who can make me ‘almost fly’ like a swing.

The question is, why do I prefer find a toy instead of a man, a boyfriend? I Think just find one just like my friends do, but it’s not that simple, considering finding a boyfriend for me, is same like finding a perfect shoes. He must look good on you, fit in you, has good materials, and the most important thing, he doesn’t hurt your feet. Right, now I’m telling you. In this big city just like Jakarta, whom everyone says just never sleeps, sometimes those twentieth something guys sleep or are in coma so they can’t see us ladies, single ladies. Some of them are taken, some of them spend their time with the wrongs ones, and some of them are just made to be a gay, our best friend, and the rest, they just being so chicken to face a life. So, while we’re sight seeing and waiting for them to wake up, why bother find a toy to entertain ourselves and to kill time. So whatcha’ prefer, just wait, or go find a toy? It might be interesting.